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(This post was written at 4 1/2 weeks pregnant, and now I can share it!)
It is the start to the Christmas season. Most of my shopping is completed with just a few hand-made gifts yet to be completed. In the back of my mind I have been thinking about how awesome it would be to find out I'm pregnant just before Christmas. What an awesome gift that wou
ld be for not only us but our parents and sisters as well!
This week in early December was particularly difficult because it would have been the week we would have found out the sex of our baby. (We lost the baby in September, but God gave me great clarity that it was a boy.) I know you aren't supposed to go down that route of thinking "how big would the baby be right now" after a miscarrage, but that's how I work. I look forward to anniversaries and the dates of something special...it's just how I'm wired. I was particularly happy I would be on the exact same schedule as I was with Anya's pregnancy (my due date was only 3 days earlier than my due date with Anya). In my mind it was the perfect time to have a baby just at the start of spring, with summer break ahead of us. But God had other plans. I don't always understand His plans, but I do trust that His ways are perfect and that He loves me and that He has a perfect plan for our family. I took control out of my own hands and gave God full control, trusting in His perfect plan for the amount of years between Anya and our next baby, our family size, etc. Everyday I poured my heart out to God. I told Him my desires for a big family, my desires for Anya to have siblings, my desires for our future. I also told Him to make my desires in line with His pefect plan.
I imagined our desire to have a baby as a beautifully wrapped Christmas box, with bold red and green stripes outlined in sparkling glitter, with a big red bow on top. Everyday when I thought about how badly I wanted another baby/ sibling for Anya, I gave it back to God and surrendered it to Him. I told Him the gift belongs to Him and just kept laying it at His feet.
I wasn't even a day late, and I knew something was "off". I am like clock-work, I tell ya, serious clock work! Anyways, I decided to continue to pray and surrender my desires to God. I went to my women's bible study and I decided that afterwards if AF didn't arrive I would take a test. So that's exactly what I did. Sure enough, instantly two lines appeared. No way, could this be?!?! YES, thank you Jesus for this precious gift!!!
Anya was eating lunch and I'll never in my life forget the smile on her face when I told her, with tears in my eyes, that she would be a big sister!!! It was like she completely understood what I was talking about. She looked me right in the eye and gave me the biggest, most genuine smile. It's amazing how much more she understands. I told her mommy has a baby in her tummy. And she points to my belly and kisses it. She always says "baby" to my tummy. (We have decided to tell our parents on Christmas and I'm hoping Anya doesn't let the secret out before then!)
Because of my recent miscarriage they are monitoring my levels closer, as I went in for blood draw the day I tested positive! I've recorded the details just because I think it's fun to look back and compare with past/ furture pregnancies. My progesterone was "very good" at 30.6, which they said anything over 11 is what they like to see. My HCG was 58 which is low, but they said totally normal in early pregnancy. On Monday I hear about the next set of results. I am committing everything with this pregnancy into God's hands. Yes it is my natural instinct to worry and compare to other pregnant ladies at the same stage. I am choosing to give it to God; to not try to figure things out on my own strength and to trust in His plan for this baby. And to tell you the truth, it is making this pregnancy so enjoyable!
***Update 1/12/13- I continued to go in for more blood draws every 48 hours and my levels continued to look good! At 5 weeks I was convinced I was miscarrying again with similar symptoms as my last pregnancy, as I hugged Anya during the ultrasound the dr said that everything looks great. I couldn't believe it! God is so good, and we are so grateful for this miracle! (It was too early to see the baby so I don't have a picture.)
At 7 weeks we had another ultrasound to check the baby's heartbeat. Josh and I (and Anya) were so happy to see a tiny baby with a heartbeat of 138. The dr found a subchoronic hematoma, and told us it was NOT a twin! Basically there was a bruise on my uterus, which she said spotting is completely normal with it. This condition can cause premature labor, but again I was committing this baby into God's hands.
****Update 1/14/13
At eight weeks I had my first official appointment where we got to see the baby's heartbeat again. This time is was 164. The baby was measuring perfectly. To our surprise the hematoma was gone! Praise the Lord! Our official due date was given: August 14, 2013. We are so excited to have a summer baby. Josh will not need to take time off work AND I'll have tons of help with Anya 3rd trimester since he is home. This is another HUGE blessing from God. (Terrible photo quality in this one, but shows no hematoma!)
Here's my 9 week ultrasound, showing arms and legs! It's amazing the growth and changes in just one week. No more ultrasounds until 20 weeks when we *hopefully* find out the gender!
So far I feel great! Pregnancy definitely treats me well and I am counting my blessings with that. I have some mama friends that have had very rough pregnancies with terrible morning sickness. I feel so sorry for them.
Do you see the 2nd line? It's just so light, but it's there!!!
A true blessing in my eyes! Thank you God for our second miracle and a sibling for Anya!!!
